Years ago I learned and practiced Vipassana Meditation, a spiritual discipline of inner observation via the path of breath. As a result of the practice I was alerted to a “tension dynamic” that I held in my life experiences.

It seemed that some of the most brilliant light-filled moments that I experienced were preceded by a tension. That tension usually came from an argument, crisis, illness or trauma. In my early quests for spiritual freedom I was determined to alleviate myself of this tension. Later, I came to call this “Spiritual Tension” and proceeded to integrate and include it in my teachings over the last 15 years.

Spiritual tension, in its cliché reference, would lead one to think of the “dark” or “negative”. As a spiritual warrior, I naively named this as something I wanted to rid myself of - to find that glorious and idealized concept of peace - note the word “idealized”. As a result, I created my own demons of “fighting” this tension rather than inviting the demon for tea . . . which later on I did.

There I would sit for hours in my quiet and reflective meditation addressing all the chatter and tensions of “ordinary reality”. I’d breathe deeply into the discomfort and density until some moment of release would occur. Then I was really there, in the bliss, the peace, the world of no worry. Little did I know it was just another attachment: “Spiritual Materialism” Rajaneesh calls it.

I would begin my day and it did not take long before something challenging occurred and my peace would be disturbed. At first, as an early devotee, I was arrogant about maintaining my peace and rather self judgmental when I lost my ‘cool’.

Ohhhh, the Deer Ones watched me struggle and try so hard to be wise and to understand life. They would try so deeply to remind me to simply “let go, relax” and be kind to myself. Eventually I was inspired to practice Loving Kindness (Pema Chodron) and did learn to smooth these rough edges of self sabotage.

I came to a place where I didn’t want to experience a tension in order to experience a release, wanting to just find the peace and calm and be in it. If I couldn’t sustain the peace and calm then it occurred to me that I could play a more active and empowered role by perhaps “choosing my own tension”! I began to explore what tensions I could choose that were healthy and positive.

It was obvious that the tensions weren’t going away. In fact, the more peaceful I became the more I was confronted with even larger tensions. Others I spoke with over the years, also spiritual practitioners, acknowledged that indeed this dynamic occurred for them as well. I would hear people say… “I was just doing so great and then this happened!” or “Life was going so well and then . . . ” We have all experienced this reoccurring dynamic Some people refer to this as “another lesson to be learned” or “an experience to strengthen our faith or self belief”. We continue to seek an explanation for this dynamic - polarity theories, dark with the light, etc.

I embraced that the tension was indeed here to stay. So how could I choose my own “tension”? What tensions would I consider? The tensions I chose were: dieting, physical discipline, and meditative practices. Physical disciplines such as an aerobic workout, dance class, etc. often create a tension. We get inspired to drop that weight, tone our body and improve our health. Then we choose a discipline. We start the program with great enthusiasm until that familiar moment occurs. We either start to fall out of the program or go to the next plateau. We begin to feel the “tension” of having to fulfill the commitment, the class, the exercise time, the early morning rise so we can work out before our day begins. Sound familiar?

I chose to identify this as a healthy “tension of choice”. This evolved into “spiritual tension” when I realized it was truly a mechanism of self growth via one’s empowerment of choosing the tension rather than allowing it to just happen. It then became a conscious choice.

I evolved this concept into the dynamics of improvisational (shamanic) dance. In classes, I lead the movers to experience flow and bliss and where the body naturally wants to go. I guide the mover to put the body in space where there is a tension. If one observes one’s organic and inner dance, one can begin to notice the familiar and repetitive movements. This often is identified as simply how you dance. But, if you were to challenge your movement, and go into those spaces you don’t normally go, you begin to create a “tension”. This is reflected in the experience of learning ballet or martial art movement, for example. Typically, the movement is new or different and creates a tension dynamic.

After a good work out or challenging experience you end up at the polar opposite of where you began. Aside from the ache of using new muscles, most people experience the rejuvenation and calm that occurs in the body. Those that arrived at the class with aches, stiffness or fatigue may leave with quite the opposite. Thus, you have initiated your own healthy “spiritual tension”. And . . . maybe . . . you don’t get confronted by those other surprise tensions because in a way you have answered the call.

Namaste.

Deerwomon, MsEd., has been a self study student all of her life. Her writings and teachings reflect the insights/consciousness gained by this practice. Discover more of Deerwomon’s art and messages at www.deerwomon.com